a race against myself

Thinking a lot about of the power of our choices today.  As the day is set out before me, I know my Father goes before me and that He knows what my day will be, but I do not.  I am there, taking it on moment by moment, trusting his guidance and trying to make the best choices I can make. 

I've been in a major transition period for, whats felt like a year or so now, but mostly recently, in the past month or two I've been faced with a lot of proverbial forks on my personal road.

I am working through career choices and what it is I want for me, and I think where I'm tripping up is getting lost between the "here and now" and the "big picture".  When thinking it through and trying to land on a definitive answer, some choices lead to me thinking that what I feel may serve me most "right now".  Helping me to heal and open up more time, possibilities and joy.  While on the other hand, some choices lead to what could ultimate bring me more success in future, or what we see as "the big picture".

I suppose its about priorities. 

Security. Joy. Contentment. Time. Wealth. God. Relationships. Creativity. Career. Passion. Adventure. Responsibility.

I know God is first. Beyond that, I'm stumbling.  Like a runner, I swiftly move through my days, taking it turn by turn, and then a hurdle presents itself and sometimes I take it on like a champion, clearing it with vast space, other times I trip up. Falling to my face and pulling myself back up.  At that moment, the choice presents itself, walk off the track, or stretch out and get a running start to be at the right pace to take on the next hurdle.  I can tell you with complete honesty, that I've done both.  Luckily, with my support system, the times I have walked off the track I only sat on the bench long enough to catch my breath, grab a water and get right back to it. 

I'm an avid list maker.  I make to-do lists, grocery lists, goal lists.  What do you do when you've made a Pros and Cons list, and the lists even out.  A balance of good and bad.  You're back to where you started arn't you? The paper mocking me, that its just as cluttered as my mind when it comes to the topic at hand.

"Can't make a decision about this?" it says.  "Well, I'm sorry I'm of no help, because neither can I."  

That bastard piece of paper.  Excuse my french.  Sometimes a Pros and Cons list isn't the answer.

The answers, I know, lie in prayer.  Sometimes He answers when we want Him to.  Or so we think.  He answers in His perfect timing, always.  And sometimes that feels like its when we wanted it to come.  Other times we just need to breathe and be patient.  Because we need to remember that its enough that we are doing just that.  

Breathing.  And waiting on Him.

It means we are alive.  To breathe. To wait. To practice patience.  To grow in this process.

I'm learning a lot more now as an adult, than I did in all my twenties growing up in my world of instant-gratification.

Instant gratification brought me instant satisfaction.  Not eternal satisfaction.  And I'm learning that now.  So I will continue to pray, to close my eyes, and let Him take my hand down the path I am supposed to take on this adventure.

And if I have to sit here for a while, well, its more time to inspire more blogs, more songs, more stories that I don't yet know the purpose for yet.  But He does.  And I'm learning that's enough and that's what defines contentment in the now.